The Drunken Witch Watches: The Mummy

Hello my lovelies!

I’ve decided that since I love wine and I love movies, I’m going to start watching movies with a bottle of wine, or a cocktail and writing my stream of conscious reviews! Spoilers are ahead. On Wednesday I flew from DFW to LAX to visit my family for Thanksgiving and after arriving at the airport, and doing a reading for a client in Ireland, I fell into three Gin and Tonics in the TGI Fridays four gates from mine and then watched The Mummy with Tom Cruise in flight! Here you are ladies and gents.

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Around 1 Gin and Tonic in at TGI Fridays in DFW Airport.

***SPOILERS AHEAD. And Rose’s drunken take on The Mummy.

Dear God. I want to hate this movie. But I can’t. In 42 minutes (we have alot of minutes left) this movie has perfectly mimicked the movie of my dreams, my beloved Brendan Fraser classic, with such panache that I have to give it “mad props”. 

I really, truly wanted this to suck. But dammit if Tom Cruise isn’t still sexy as hell. Now, I’ll be honest, I’m on 5 hours of sleep and was 3 gin and tonics in when I started this. 42 minutes and a significant altitude change later and I’m still feeling it. 

Modernization is not something I’m normally a fan of. I used to HATE it (gimme all the classical Shakespeare, yaaaaasssss), but five years after graduating with that fateful bachelors degree in theatre and becoming your favorite pro witch and successful modernization is one of my favorite things. Tom Cruise is still hot and bringing the storyline up to modern times has only served to make it stronger. Ahmanet is a smart, sexy female who made a deal with Set to gain power and in this day and age, who doesn’t love a woman who wants power and not love?!?!?!

Oh god. Rats. Why are rats attacking Tom Cruise? Scores of them!!! Mind his face!!! But I see what you did there. Reminiscent of the scarab scene in the original (and I love scarabs! I’m wearing one on a necklace right now and bought my dad one as a present at my wedding. I’m not married now!) LOTS OF REBIRTH!!! 

Side note: I was 3 gins in when boarding and a lady behind me asked if I was always this animated (I was sending a Snapchat!). Hell yes I am!!!

Oh god. Close up on Tom Cruise’s face and I seem to be sobering up. He has aged. 

Shit just got kinky. Ahmanet is french kissing another corpse (pretty sure it’s female. Shout out to my Fairy Queen) and she seems to really be enjoying it. Get down with your bad self Ahmanet. Damn. I need a minute. YOU CAN’T HAVE A MINUTE- ROSE- YOU’RE ON A PLANE.

Are. Are those cows? I routinely toss back a bottle of wine by myself on a Friday night and do witchcraft. I’m not that drunk. ARE THOSE COWS???? -Insert Twister quote.

Blonde chick is that muggle friend who “doesn’t believe in ghosts”, but then you take her to the graveyard on a simple dirt gathering expedition and she FREAKS OUT. Probably pledged a sorority. Lazy bottom. Don’t bang.

Side note: This dude in front and across the aisle of me is really peeved he had to wait that long for his complementary beverage and snack and he was even more peeved he had to pay $2 for his headphones. Jesus, you call this service?!?!? (Sober note: the flights attendants on Delta are the BOMB.)

Ahmanet and Set had a hot and heavy love affair. WE GET IT!!!!!! 

Oh god, something just body slammed Tom Cruise.

It was Ahmanet. Oooh baby. Show me dat dental work. Rawr. ABS. 

Never has a man looked more concerned about the possibility of getting a blowjob from a dead chick. She’s pretty hot. Tom. Go with it. Graveyards are good places for dates. Ask the Fairy Queen. She’ll agree. But I’ll bite you if you try anything with her.

Ooh. She’s tickling him.

Ahmanet. You do not whisper old lovers names at the new dude you’re banging. Come ON. Not chill.

Nothing says, “Gimme dat dick,” like desecrating a tombstone.

She shoots. She stabs. ” I still have my internal organs, YAAAASSSS,” screams Tom. 

“Jenny!!!” screams Tom. “This chick with half a face is digging me!! You said I was only worth 12 seconds!” (That was cute. I saw the whole “if you call that a kiss” bit from the original.)

And nice way of reminiscing with the 1/2 a face.

Oh. He wanted her to run. Not give him alone time. Never mind.

Whoa. I was ordering my complimentary Diet Coke and then Tom just stomped on a guy in a police uniforms face!!! It was awesome.

“Don’t get in the car, idiot!!! That will actually take us places!!”

Shit. I picked up this dagger.”

“I went to the church of my own free will, Jenny.”

Oh god. She’s in his head. She is Voldemort. (I’m wearing Harry Potter socks, y’all.)

And in this scene, we discover Tom can’t drive. But Ahmanet looks good walking in mist.

The flight attendant is offering the “Delta Happy Meal”. What’s in this?!?!?!

Guys. Free snacks. No tacos. Oh well.

There’s glitter. ALL OVER MY HAND. From my eyeshadow. It’s Urban Decay. They’re a good makeup brand. ROSE APPROVED.

Oooh. Oooh. Mummy on a bus!!! I see what they did!!!

Have obtained the Delta Happy Meal. See below. Don’t count the calories!!!

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Delta Happy Meal and handwriting this blog in my “Book”. It has all the things. Secret things.

Suddenly this looks like Jurrasic Park. The original one.

Have started a Delta Happy Meal chain. Whoops!

“With this stick!!! I kick your arse!!! Nope. Nope. No I don’t.”

Ok. I get it. I’m still tipsy. I miss my Fairy Queen. But the lesbian overtures in this film are excessive. Thanks Obama.

LEAVE AHMANET ALONE!!! DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY!!!

And we’re back to merry old London. Tom got shot again.

Yum. Flesh in water.

Ooooh a skull!! Ghede party!!!

Tom got shot. He’s very confused. He’s in an awkward straight jacket. Psychic prediction. She possessed him. 

Russell? Russell Crowe? Is that you?!

UMMMMMMM. Dr. Henry Jekyll???

Don’t Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde me, The Mummy. Don’t cross those streams.

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Airplane lighting may not be flattering, but at least I’ve got caffeine.

 

If this is Russell, he’s gained a lot of weight, but who am I to judge, I fluctuate between 15 lbs myself.

No Tom. You don’t want what he is going to show you.

Oooooh. A handprint into… a dungeon? (BDSM, not medieval.) Yup. She’s in chains. Def looks like a dungeon.

OH. PLOT TWIST!!!!

Whoooooaaa. Your collar is supposed to be pretty. Not inject mercury. That’s not safe.

I WASN’T GOING TO KILL HIM, HE LIKES KNIFE PLAY, OK?!?!?!

(I don’t, but I don’t judge. Whatever floats your boat, man.)

Really? This just boils down to daddy issues?!?! Oh the curses I’ve had to reverse borne of daddy issues.

The way she said “My children!” was reminiscent of Akasha. Just sayin.

Bitch be screaming. Ow. I day drank woman.

A dude is watching 300 in front of me. I never noticed Gerard Butler had that weird little tail braid until now. Yeah, Cersei. GET IT. #womeninpower #kneel #yesloki

As with all drunken intrigues, Tom is less funny and less handsome as I sober up.

I’m getting cranky. I need coffee.

Ahmanet’s nose piece could be better. My bestie could do so much better.

Obligatory bathroom visit. Still as terrifying and small as I remember. Obtained water on the way back, Flight attendants have the best sense of humor of any I’ve ever encountered.

Scarab!!!!! Yaaaasssss!!!!

Walk in souls aren’t super cool man.

Set should have taken an avatar or waited. Jesus.

Russell Crowe gives no fucks.

Annnnnnd….. Set is in Russell Crowe?

Oh yes. Set is in Russell Crowe. Yes, daddy, you stalk over here. Ahem. What? 

Why did Russell Crowe’s English accent intensify when Set possessed him? Y’all know the Ancient Egyptians didn’t have English accents, right?

No, Tom, don’t hit Russell with Yorick!!!

Whatever they’re fighting over looks like a mini Tesseract.

Throw the stone in the fires of Mordor!!!!

(I have referenced 3 fandoms in this blog, beyond The Mummy. I win.)

*Pterodactyl scream* is Ahmanet’s safe word.

She is breaking glass like in Beautiful Creatures. Or VOLDEMORT. 

Wait. Guys. Are we on the Night at the Museum set?

Benny. Stop delivering people to Ahmanet.

Okay. We get that whole “arise” thing like in the original. Cute. I’m super tired. Is it nap time, yet?!?!

Oooooh. Ahmanet. You found the jewel. But you need a mani like whoa. I don’t even want to see your feet. Mani pedi stat. Slightly pissed off Egyptian. 

Oooh drowning scene just like in Mummy 2. Cool.

I’m Tom Cruise. I will beat you all about the head with a rock. 

Ahmanet just slapped the SHIT out of Tom. I’m laughing. I’m not sorry. That was funny.

“Did you just stick a hammer in me?! I will break you, bitch!!!”

Ahmanet. Licking peoples faces is generally not accepted in the 21st century. Just sayin.

Hahahahahaha. “It’s not me, it’s you.” Hahahahahahaha.

In front of me, Gerard Butler seems to be having a serious conversation with a shield. Oh. And Tom has stabbed himself. Who didn’t seem that coming?

Ooooh. Apparently Set makes all aging actors hotter. Chill.

Ok. Ahmanet and Tom are really redefining “rough sex” here.

She is re-mummified.

“The safe-word was bannana. Dammit, Ahmanet!!!!”

Voldemort is broken and on Platform 9 3/4. Tom attempts to breathe life back into the one he loves. 

He is successful. He even regrew his nose. Yay. Voldy has olfactory senses once more. He won’t be so grouchy now. 

Jenny is intrigued yet frightened when she discovers Tom is now a werewolf. She didn’t know she was into furries before. She does now.

Whoa. Wait. How is Russell alive?!?!

Oh nice foreshadowing for #2 with the statue of Anubis.

Tom can mount a steed quickly. 

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My LA face.

THE END.

You’re all welcome. I did this for you. What movie should I drunkely watch and blog next?! Comment and subscribe for more!

Xoxo, Rose


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